In This Episode:  

• Hannah’s Heroes is a nonprofit organization that is on a mission of youth suicide prevention.
• Lyn Cline, co-founder and president of “Hannah's  Heroes. “After the tragedy of losing my beautiful daughter, Hannah to suicide, I couldn't allow her to become another teenage statistic. With friend, and former teammate, Liz Mikitarian, Hannah’s Heroes was born.”
• Lyn tells us that Hannah was a well-rounded young girl that they never expected was deeply depressed and at risk of death by suicide.  The evening before she “took her life” she was planning with her mother for short term and long term events.  It was a complete shock.  She thought she had the world at her fingertips.  “Don’t ever think this can’t be your kids”.
• Lyn urges parents to put away the electronic devices and connect and spend time with their kids. “You need to know what the kids are doing online.”  
• Liz Mikitarian, has worked with children for over 30 years. She earned Bachelors and Master’s degrees in Elementary Education.  She also is the mother of one teenage son and a co-founder of Hannah’s Heroes.
• Lyn urges parents to take signs of depression seriously and not to think of them just as a “phase” that children go through.  
• Liz tells parents that our first job as parents is to keep our kids safe, they don’t need the privacy online.  It’s important to be honest with kids and talk about the dangers, to ensure that we as parents can guide them through troublesome relationships online.
• Lyn urges parents to educate themselves on signs of teen depression.  And, talk to your kids and let them know that you care enough to ask.
• Lyn Cline and Liz Mikitarian have formed Hannah’s Heroes to help prevent suicide by working with teens and educating parents on signs that can be too easily missed or dismissed as a normal teenage development.
• After the tragedy, Hannah’s mother Lyn found out that Hannah had a hidden Instagram account and an email that she didn’t know about beforehand.
• Lyn urges parents to get involved and know about their kids’ electronic use to keep them safe.  
• Please donate to their mission of support and prevention at www.hannahs-heroes.org.  Just click on the link in the upper right-hand corner of the page.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 18

When a Child has Suicidal Thoughts

In This Episode:  

Below are some snippets from a conversation with Jonathan Singer, LCSW, Ph.D.  on this episode of Parenting in the Rain podcast.

Jonathan shares that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the United States.  

“Risk factors” are different than “warning signs” when talking about the issue of suicide.

Risk factors are conditions that increase the person’s chance that they may try to take their life by suicide.  It is important to know that having risk factors doesn’t equate to suicide ideation or intent.

Warning signs are things that let you know that there are foreseeable plans for suicide in the near future.   It’s important that a thorough assessment is done by a mental health professional if warning signs are present.  

Expressing “hopeless” about the future and talking about a plan are some warning signs to be aware of.

It’s important for parents to listen to their children, especially when warning signs are present, and to take it seriously.   Dismissing a child’s warnings signs are not helpful and could be dangerous.

When someone dismisses a child’s thoughts of emotional pain they may interpret the person as conveying “your pain is not a priority to me”.

When adults can determine if the child wants “to die” or just wants “to be happy”, a supportive response can be more aligned with what is the best help for the child during that time.

Parents should seek support from mental health professionals before suicide ideation is present if possible.  

Sometimes the egocentric state that can be present in teenagers due to a natural developmental stage of adolescence can lead them to feel like thoughts of suicide is something that “everyone” has present in their lives and feeling like it is “normal”.  It is important to  concerns relating to suicide early and often.

It’s important to seek assistance from professionals when you suspect suicidal thoughts; parents should not try to figure out how to help their child on their own as even the professionals consult since it can be a complex and is a serious matter.

Nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) is the intentional, self-inflicted harm to one’s body.   

If someone is engaging in self-harming behavior, even if believed to be NSSI, a suicide risk assessment should be performed in a professional setting.   

There are many reasons why children engage in self harming behaviors, mental health professionals can perform a suicide risk assessment and help with issues surrounding the self-harming behaviors.

“Postvention” happens after a suicide death to support people as it pertains to prevention of future deaths by suicide and to address the grief and trauma of the bereaved.

Jonathan mentioned a great resource for schools, “After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools” https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/App_Files/Media/PDF/sprc_online_library.pdf

It’s important to be aware and a part of your child’s social media world to use as your own “megaphone” to communicate helpful information to those in need of it.

Sometimes children have more than one social media account. It’s important to be aware and involved as a parent.

Jonathan mentioned the following quotes:  Carl Rogers’ quote, “Congruence e is the key to happiness.”  

And, the quote “Suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it gives it to someone else.”

Hannah’s Heroes  is a non-profit organization with a passionate mission to draw attention to youth suicide prevention. They work with and through community agencies and partners to develop solutions that provide support for their community and prevent other losses.  Visit their website at  http://www.hannahs-heroes.org/ and donate to their cause, Youth Suicide Prevention, if possible.

In This Episode:  

Pam Dyson tells us all about Play Therapy.  

Play therapy is different than a child just playing.  

Play therapy may look and feel differently with different therapists.  Some therapists allow the child to lead the play in some situations and other situations may be a bit more directive by the therapists.  

The relationship between the therapist and the child is key in regards to meeting the treatment goals.

Pam customizes her approach for each child and each family to ensure that she meets their specific needs.

Pam Dyson trains therapist in Play Therapy techniques through their work.  She is a strong believer in ongoing training for therapist to stay abreast of new approaches.

Play therapy can help with all kinds of behavioral and emotional challenges that a child may have such as grief and lost from a death, divorce, adoption, anxiety, depression, traumas, life changes, ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Learning Disabilities, and so much more.

Its important parents to work closely with the therapist to maximize the effect for the child.

Play therapy can be used to diagnose and treat children with problematic issues. 

The benefits of Play Therapy is seemingly limitless.  It nurtures responsibility, understanding, self-esteem, and so much more.

Play therapy is a method of therapy that has been proven to reduce and/or resolve a variety of problems in children and families.

It is designed for children between the ages of 3-9 years old, while my Art Therapy Studio is designed for ages 12+.  

Play therapists work closely with parents to develop an effective treatment plan that works towards a happier and healthier life.

Sometimes Play Therapy is offered in the home, school, and other places.  It is not limited to the therapist’s office.   

The toys in a play therapy room are chose carefully to ensure that children can fully express themselves.  Some of the toys are aggressive, nurturing and expressive in nature.

EMDR integrates extremely well with Play Therapy. Problematic issues such as phobias, nightmares, bed-wetting, fear, anger, acting out/aggression, and more…, can be treated successfully with this integrated therapeutic approach. For children and adolescents, sand tray therapy, art therapy, hand tapping, and a “hand held buzzer” (to create the bi-lateral stimulation effect) can be during an EMDR therapy session. This is one of my(Jackie) treatments of choice, as I have seen so many people heal much more quickly than other means.

Be sure to check out the future episode with Dr. Dalena Taylor on Child Parent Relationship Therapy, also known as CPRT and Filial therapy.

Also, a previous guest on Parenting in the Rain podcast, Tammi Van Hollander, will be on the show soon to tell us all about and expressive arts type of therapy, Sand Tray Therapy.

Following is a link to my private play therapy practice  www.counselinginbrevard.com click on “Tour”.

How to know when your child needs therapy?  If there is changes in the child’s behavior, especially after a change or a trauma in the child’s life therapy may be beneficial for the child.  Changes such as a move, a death in the family or a pet, trauma at school or home, and many more issues can cause a shift in the behavior and/or cause a change in their ability to focus.

How do you know when it’s time to finish therapy?  When the child’s behaviors  improve, the reasons why they came in improve, or the child seems to be enjoying a better quality of life at home, school and life it could be a good time to phase out of therapy.

Sometimes children return back to therapy after it’s complete if the behaviors resurface or another issue arises.

The relationship between the child and the therapist is so important in the healing process. 

To find a play therapist in your area you can do a search for a play therapist on the internet, but specifically the Association for Play Therapy, APT, has some great resources and can give you information on Play Therapists in your area.

Be sure to check out future episodes of the podcast.  A free training will be coming up next week to help parents through parent through divorce.  

You can read the full show notes at www.parentingintherain.com

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 15

Tips for Successful Co-Parenting (even in high conflict situations)

In This Episode:  (this information is also available on the free download) 

Lorrie Brook provides some tips regarding Communication & Respect for parents struggling with co-parenting in separation and divorce situations in their families.

Communication

It is important that despite living in 2 separate households you both maintain an open line of communication within the family. 

If you aren’t sure if it is something worth telling ask yourself this:

Use this question as your guide –“If this happened in the other parent’s household would I want to know?”  If the answer is yes – let them know.

When you are communicating with the other types remember these tips:  1. Be polite 2. Be concise 3. Don’t exaggerate, embellish or understate what happened. Tell it as it is.

Respect

While co-parents are no longer in a romantic relationship with each other, they are in a co-parenting relationship and as such respect plays a big role.

Here are some tips:

1. Be polite

2. Use your manners (please and thank you go a long way!)

3. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of the children

4. Don’t allow others to talk badly about the other parent in front of the children

5. If your children mention the other parent to you – don’t roll your eyes or the like.

6. If your children start to be rude or disrespect the other parent, correct them and talk to them about it.

 You can read the full show notes at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/episode16

In This Episode:

• In this episode, Penny Williams tells us what her journey of parenting a child with ADHD and Autism has been like for her and her family.
• She shares some helpful strategies such as validating her child’s feelings during times of upset, remaining calm during stressful situations such as meltdowns and tantrums, communicating with the school, and much more.
• She recommends that parents advocate for their child’s needs and educate themselves as much as possible.  Knowledge and understanding is key.
• She refers to her son as “Ricochet” to respect his privacy.  His soccer coach gave him that nickname at his first day of practice at 4 years old.
• At first she didn’t realize that his behavior was out of the ordinary.  Feedback from peers and teachers helped her to realize that something was going on and there was a need to seek more information from a specialist.  She eventually sought out an appointment with a Developmental Specialist, which took a while to get an appointment.  During that time she researched to try to find answers on her own. 
• Penny thought that since he was able to focus on things that he loved, that focus wasn’t really an issue. 
• She shared what her family’s lives were like before the diagnosis with school struggles, the search for answers and strategies, and the emotional impact of it all.
• She felt overwhelmed and in search of information to “fix” it after she received the diagnosis.  But, then she realized that she couldn’t “fix” it. She searched out knowledge to help with strategies and techniques.  She wrote 3 books so far to help other parents learn from her experience.   It was really a mindset shift for her and her family.  It took her about 2 years to come into acceptance that it couldn’t be “fixed”, but it can be helped and their family could feel joy and peace together.
• Penny talks about the reality of the struggle – “an on the bathroom floor” type of struggle.  It can be difficult and leave parents feeling inadequate, frustrated, and in emotional distress.  She tells us that suppressing feelings does not make anything better. 
• She mentions the metaphor of the flight attendant instructing parents to put the oxygen mask on themselves first before they do their children, so that they can be there for their kids.  It’s important to validate your own feelings as a parent as well as well as realize that self-care is so important.  Skipping on self-care can intensify the struggle. 
• She tells us about the “Happy Mamas” Conference coming up in May.
• In her books, she provides specific strategies to parents to help de-escalate situations, communicate effectively for school, understanding the difference between developmental and chronological age, and much more.  
• ADHD will never go away, but you can improve the situation.
• At first she thought was only Sensory Processing Disorder, SPD, and a Specific Learning Disability, SLD, which does have, but when she went to a Developmental Specialist, she also learned that he has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD and eventually learned about Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD, too.
• After the diagnosis, she felt guilty for grieving.  She compared her situation to people struggling with other diagnosis that seemed worse.  Now she knows that each person experiences the struggle and it’s important to engage in self-love and care during that time.  
• It’s important to validate your child’s feelings instead of trying to teach in that moment of emotional overwhelm or shame them through comments such as “you’re acting like a baby”.  This can leave children feeling defective and we don’t want that for our kiddos as it can have a long-term negative impact.
• She has a free training coming up at the “Parenting ADHD & Autism Academy” http://parentingadhdandautism.com/CompleteParentingADHDCourse/  Space is limited, so it’s important to sign-up soon to reserve your spot.
• Penny will be offering parent coaching and online courses later on this year.
• Penny Williams is the award-winning author of three books on parenting kids with ADHD, Boy Without Instructions, What to Expect When Parenting Children with ADHD, and The Insider’s Guide to ADHD. She is a frequent contributor on parenting a child with ADHD for ADDitude Magazine, Healthline, and other parenting and special needs publications. 
• Penny has been in the ADHD trenches for nearly 8 years now, and often describes herself as a “veteran” parent of a child with ADHD. She had to learn the hard way how to successfully parent a child with ADHD, since there were no guidebooks at the time. It's now her mission to shorten that prolonged learning curve -- and the pain and struggles that come with it -- for other parents on a similar parenting journey.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 14

Meeting My Sister, Melissa: A Story of Love, Adoption, and Connection

In This Episode:

• In this episode, I share a story that is close to my heart.   A story about meeting my sister, Melissa, which was adopted at birth.
• At the time of her adoption, our sweet mom was struggling, without the means to even provide food and shelter for herself, much less a baby.  
• My sister found out later in life that she was adopted and started searching for us.  Eventually she found us in January 2015.  
• I will remember the day that I first met her.  We spoke via phone since she lives about 1,000 miles away from us.  It felt surreal.   
• In March, just a couple of months later, her husband and sons flew down to meet us all in person.   We had a big family gathering with BBQ, tug-of-war, and family togetherness. I cherish the pictures that we took that day, as they bring back so many warm memories.
• Unfortunately, our mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  As you can imagine, we were all devastated at the thought of losing her to cancer (my dad died from lung cancer 3 years earlier), but we felt so grateful that she had a chance to connect with Melissa after 49 years.   
• Melissa, with a kind and accepting heart, gave my mom so much peace and healing during her last few months of life.  
• In this episode, Melissa shares what this experience was like for her.  
• We are forever grateful that she found us when she found us.  

Resources 

(Some of These Resources Are Affiliate Links)

www.parentingintherain.com

www.jackieflynnconsulting.com

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 13

Nurturing Emotionally Healthy Kids through Play with Debra Wessleman, MS, LIMHP

In This Episode:

Debra Wesselmann, the author of Integrative Parenting: Strategies for Raising Children Affected by Attachment Trauma, gives us 6 tips to help nurture our children’s emotional health through play.

1. Stay Attuned By Staying Present – Put away the electronics and truly connect with your child through play.

2. Stay Attuned By Letting Your Child Take The Lead – Let your child choose what and how to play.  This helps support your child’s feelings of self-worth and self-efficacy.  It also strengthens relationships.

3. Be Aware That Your Child’s Play Activities May Not Match His Or Her Chronological Age – Meet your child where he is at.  Resist the urge to influence him to play with games and toys that you consider to be appropriate for his age.  For example, an adolescent may like to play with dolls and that is okay.

4. Keep It Fun By Finding Ways To Play That You Both Enjoy – It’s important that  you are able to play with the child and enjoy playing too.  Have materials and activities available to choose from that you like.  It enhances the experience.

5. Playtime Is Not Teaching Time – It’s tempting sometimes to double up playtime as teaching time.  Teaching during this time can diminish some of the benefits from free play.  Resist the urge to make statements such as “how many blocks are there”, “what color is the barn”, and such.  Just simply enjoy the play for what it is, that’s where the beauty of its benefits can flourish.

6. If You Observe Your Child Reenacting Traumatic Experiences In Play, Communicate With Your Team – If your child has a therapeutic team be sure to share observations that relate to playing out any trauma with them.  They can help him process through it in a healthy supported way.

Cutting to Cope: Understanding the Emotional Desperation behind Self-Harm

In This Episode:

• Self-harm can be used as a desperate attempt to relieve some physiological and psychological tension.
• Self-injurious behaviors include: cutting, carving, scratching, branding, marking, burning, scraping, biting, bruising, hitting, and other ways of hurting oneself. 
• Self-harming behaviors can increase the risk of suicide because of the emotional problems that trigger self-harming behaviors, but it doesn’t meant that the person is suicidal.  Seek professional help is you or your child is engaging in self harming behavior.
• Self-harm is more common with teens, than any other age group in the life span.  It has become an “epidemic” in some populations.
• Finding out that your child is harming themselves can feel frightening, mysterious, and confusing.
• Self-injury is sometimes used as a desperate attempt to diminish tough emotions, to achieve proof of “alive-ness”, or relieve emotional pain.  
• Sometimes, when kids hear that someone in their peer group “cuts”, they may see self-injurious behavior as a choice for them as well.  
• It’s important to put healthy coping skills in place. Mindfulness techniques can be really helpful.
• Self-harm creates a distorted relationship with one’s own body, as the person inflicting the harm, is also the person being harmed.
• It’s important to identify what’s going on for the client and address any underlying issues that are triggering the self-harming behaviors.
• As parents, we need to remember what feels stressful is for our child / teen may not seem stressful for us.  Using empathy is so important.  Empathy is a wonderful and beneficial skill for parents to have.  It not only gives us insight, but connects us with our kids in a way that they know that we understand.  
• Empathy can strengthen parent/child relationships.
• It’s so important to seek out professional help if you notice signs of self-harm with your child/adolescent. 
• Some teens that self-injure are often attempting to deal with overwhelming stress and difficult emotions such as loneliness, hopelessness, anger, isolation, and persistent thoughts.  Self-injury is really a maladaptive coping tool. 
• The effects of self-injury can feel absolutely devastating. Unfortunately, self-injury can become somewhat addictive in nature.  Sometimes teens go back to “cutting” to relieve emotional pain when the emotional disturbance feels heavy again if healthy coping skills aren’t integrated into their life. Addressing the tough emotions can decrease the desperate, determined search for relief from the emotional pain.
• Providing an emotionally safe environment for children to learn and experience healthier, more effective coping skills to use when the difficult emotions overwhelm is important.
• Keeping teens safe and emotionally stable is at the core of support, but it really goes far beyond that – to help them feel PEACE, JOY, and HOPE in their life again is important.
• If you or someone that you love self-injures, there is HOPE.  This can feel scary for everyone involved.  Support is vital. I know first-hand that support can help. Therapy may help.

In This Episode:

• Internet safety is really more about the relationship with our children than it is about the technology.
• It’s important to know more than our kids about the internet.
• It’s like teaching our kids how to drive – teaching them the specifics, then giving them expectations, and then moving forward with trust.  
• Training our kids how to be safe on line is so important.  
• Teaching them how to navigate the internet responsibly is key!
• The child/parent relationship is so important!
• Mark recommends teaching children to come to their parents when they see things on the internet that they are unsure of, embarrassed, or nervous about.
• Some children have such advanced technological knowledge, so it is important to keep up to date and have access to monitor.  
• Sometimes children will “friend” a parent on a social media account, but then create another account that the parent may not know about.
• Mark talks about Digital Citizenship, being a good person online.   Having good character is so important.
• Cyberbullying can be so painful.  We want our children to know at the core of their being - who they are.  
• Ask your child “What kind of person do you want to be?” before online situations come up.
• Sometimes children wake up in the middle of the night to access their electronics.  After-hours access can be prevented by designating a charging station, taking away phones, turning of the Wifi, turning of service provider, etc.  It is really helpful to set the example by putting their phones away after a certain time as well.   It’s really about trusting your kids and trusting them to abide by the rules that you agreed to as a family.
• It’s so important for kids to get enough sleep.  It’s important really for everyone to get sleep – including parents. Getting texts at night can cause us to lose sleep.  Also, children may not be as willing to go to sleep and rest will with the temptation of the technology within their reach.
• It is SO IMPORTANT to be aware of what apps your children are downloading and using.  Mark tells us about a story where a girl downloaded an app that had pictures of girls in swimwear uploaded on it.  In that situation, the app was written by an international company with different laws about privacy.  Parents should be aware and cautious about apps.
• Mark tells us about a story where a father and daughter played online games together.  It helped with online safety risk level and strengthened their relationship by enjoying something they both loved together.
• Relationship building is KEY!
• Tom (my husband) asked if there is a way to monitor all of the internet activity from the various devices.  Mark mentioned that there’s some software that can monitor some activity, but nothing that he knows about that can cover everything such as gaming devices, phones, incognito tabs, etc in with one service or device.  Mark recommends creating a master admin account for yourself, then creating an account with parental controls for the children.
• Mark mentioned that some apps can be deceptive, such as ones that look like a calculator app but turn into a file manager when a certain number is entered to access a part of the app that can be used to upload and download files.
• Mark says that there isn’t a way for technology to totally keep your child safe, the key is to be aware as a parent and build a strong and meaningful connection with your kids that incorporates training, expectations, setting good examples, and trust. 
• Educate your child. Tell them how be responsible online and how to overall just be a good person.  
• Mark said to contact him directly if you have any questions.  www.safeonlinechild.com

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 10

11 Tips to Homework Success  for You & Your Child with Attention Deficit Disorder

In This Episode:

1st Tip: Routine

Is it difficult to fit homework into your busy schedules?  Have you ever been up with your child at 10pm or later struggling to finish homework?

Scheduling a set time each day, preferably right after school, can help tremendously.  Routines help people feel secure, safe, and in control.  This holds especially true for children with focus issues struggling with homework productivity.  A solid routine should look, feel, and sound the same each day.   

For example:

• 4:00 pm Eat Snack, Drink Water, Take Shoes Off

• 4:10 pm Set Up Homework Materials (paper, pencils, pens, books, etc) in the same, distraction reduced/free place each day

• 4:30 pm Take a 1-2 Minute Stretch Break , Walk Around (Set Timer)

• 4:32 pm Resume Doing Homework (20 Minutes Later Take Another Break)

2nd Tip: Enjoyment

Do you ever feel like a “tyrant” parent at homework time? Yelling, threatening, and shaming your child into completing assignments, only to realize that success is costing you and your family happiness and feelings of his self-worth?  

Upbeat, positive support during homework time makes the tasks easier to deal with, while utilizing energy for homework itself.  Remember, our children will often reflect our mood as their own.  So doing our best to keep itmpositive and cheerful can result in the same from them.  However, the same is true for negativity.  If we are grumpy, our child will likely mirror that as well.

3rd Tip: Visual Timer

Has your child ever continuously asked “When can I be done?” so many times that it inhibits her ability to focus on the task at hand?  

A visual timer can help. Provide your child with some type of a visual timing device (i.e. clock, timer, etc.…).  This reduces the distraction of time, which enhances focus.  Here’s one that I recommend…   Homework Time Tracker * an affiliate link for a product that I love!

4th Tip: Organized Space

Do you struggle to find a spot for your child to do homework?  

Clutter can destroy motivation and productivity!  Block off 30 minutes to create an organized space that minimizes distractions, allows for comfort, and is clutter free.  Simply put, people are more productive in such environments. This will be time well spent.

5th Tip: Managed Movement

Do you ever find yourself continuously asking your child to sit down and get back to work? Do tolerance levels decrease while frustrations go through the roof?

Allowing your child to move can help.  Sometimes standing at the table can help, sitting on balance ball chair, allowing for wiggling in the seat can help, especially for children with Attention Deficit Disorder.  Some people have great success with putting painter’s tape to create boundaries for the child to move in, while remaining at their work station.  

*here’s an affiliate link to an excise ball that I use with my kiddos Balance Ball Chair

6th Tip: Frequent Breaks

Have you ever tried to power through homework time, only to realize that it took 3 times the amount of time you estimated?

Frequent breaks can help.  The benefit of frequent breaks should not be underestimated.  A 1-2 minute stretch break can make children’s ideas flow more freely, allow for a release of pinned up energy, and help the brain to function more efficiently.  Movement is SO helpful for brain function, especially for children with Attention Deficit Disorder.  Time well spent, for sure!

7th Tip: Proximity for Productivity

Have you ever walked in to the room to find your child goofing off, when they were supposed to working on homework or studying?  

There is no substitute for being physically close (remember to be respectful of his personal space) to him during this time.  The amount of closeness varies depending on his needs, but in general there is no substitute for being there.  Closeness demonstrates support, reduces the temptation to go off task, and allows you to help redirect and refocus as needed.  It is important to know that some children thrive with 1 on 1, while others my just prefer you in the same room.  Remember, to keep the closeness as a positive, not something to use as a punishment or shameful remark.

8th Tip: Distraction Free Zone to Increase Productivity

Does your child seem to take forever to finish a simple task or get easily frustrated when asked to get back to work?  

Well, taking away distractions such as cell phones, tablets, televisions, games, people, etc… can be especially helpful.  A distraction free workspace increases productive, on-task behaviors.

9th Tip: Positivity for Long-term Happiness and Self Worth

Have you ever yelled hurtful things to your child during homework time, leaving you feeling guilty, inadequate, and empty at the end of the day?  

Well, you are not alone.  As human beings, we are subject to our own emotional overloads as well.  Knowing this can help you to mentally prepare for this time by saying positive statements to yourself and your child.  Statements such as “I will remain calm”, “when I am calm, it helps her to be calm”, “I will do everything I can to set myself and my child up for homework success, but I will not expect perfection”,  “Trying your best is all that I expect of you”, and such.

10th Tip: Praise vs Specific Statements to Repeat Wins

Do you ever find yourself saying “good job” only to wonder if it helps?

Specificity, makes a difference.  Generic praise can sound fake and not produce the intended result of letting the child know that you like what they did, with the hopes of similar behavior in the future.  Specific phrases such as, “You chose to finish your homework, now you get to go outside to play with your friends for an hour” not only lets her know exactly what to repeat, but it also teaches her that their choices have consequences good and bad, which is a wonderful lesson to learn.  

11th Tip: Water / Healthy Snacks to Boost Brain Power

Has your child ever been cranky, sensitive, or unproductive during homework time?  

Providing a healthy snack such as a fruit and/or vegetable, energy bar, and such can give him the extra needed boost to get them through the homework tasks.  Many children on medication report not being hungry during the day, but by the time they get home they are famished.  Also, water is essential.  Skip on the sugary drinks.  Water hydrates the brain, which helps her perform at her best.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 9

Helping Picky Eaters Try New, Healthy Foods with Jill Castle

In This Episode:

• Jill Castle is America’s Childhood Nutrition Expert.  She is a registered dietitian/nutritionist and a childhood nutrition expert. With over 25 years of experience with babies, toddlers, children and teens, in a variety of settings from private practice and consulting to author and writer.  
• Jill has 4 children, so she knows what it is like to feed healthy meals to kiddos on a busy schedule.
• In this episode, Jill gives us some practical tips that we can use to successfully take on the issue of picky eating in our families.
• Always make sure that when you feed your child, you include a “safe” food in the selection.  This increases the child’s comfort zone and likeliness to try new foods.
• Tasting a new food could be smelling, kissing, licking, etc...  Every, little step along the way is progress.
• Being patient with your child is SO important.  The more pressure that you put on your child, the more resistance you will probably will get.  
• Resist the urge to “cater” to your child eating only specific foods.  Let them know what is being offered and that there aren’t other alternatives.  After meals, tell the child that the kitchen is “closed”.  Setting boundaries is so important.  
• It is vital to include an item from every food group in your child’s meal.  
• If you are serving something your child doesn’t like, just include something that they do like such as a favorite fruit or vegetable.
• MYTH -  “If you just put the food on the table, your child will eventually eat it.”
• Jill tells us about the “Learning Plate”, which is a separate plate that is put on the table with a tiny little portion of the foods for the child to “try”.  The food on the “learning plate” can be touched, smooshed, licked, etc.  It encourages the child to be more adventurous and to try new foods.
• “It takes 18 years to raise a healthy child!!”
• Recognize that everyone in the family likes to have a voice.  Let everyone contribute ideas to the meal choices.  Some families let each person choose what is for meals throughout the week.  In the end, the parent is still needs to make sure that each meal is well balanced and healthy.
• Sometimes it is a struggle to pack lunches for kids.  Incorporating an item from each food group is a great idea with lunches as well.  Also, letting your child provide input on their preferences and helping pack their lunches is a way to get “buy in”.  
• Kids can start packing their lunches pretty early on.  Jill mentions that children as young as 6 years old can start packing lunch independently.  This will help them learn how to put healthy and balanced meals together themselves. It does require some thought and input from the parent though, even when the children are packing their own lunch.
• Feeding kids is not an easy thing, so having a system can really make a difference.
• Jill has a free training coming up: 5 Honest Mistakes That Sabotage Your Child’s Healthy Eating.  This training is schedule for February 24^th and February 25^th. https://jillcastle.leadpages.co/5-honest-mistakes-webinare/   If you miss this training, be sure to visit Jill’s blog to sign up for her newsletter so that you know about any future training that she has scheduled.

The guest expert for this show is Susan Blakeslee, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Clinical Supervisor, and Professional Artist. Active listening is paying attention with your MIND, BODY, and SOUL. Understanding what is behind the words is an important focus of active listening. The person being listened to feels validated in this kind of listening, which encourages people to be more open.  This can result in the sharing of more information. When someone is feeling a certain emotion, instead of telling them that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, simply reflect their feeling by saying things like “you feel sad” or “you’re excited”. Sometimes children think things are their fault which can lead to painful, guilt.  Listening actively can alert parents to this and help them to respond in a way that is helpful for the child.

In This Episode:

• Tammi Van Hollander is a Registered Play Therapist that teaches us about the Nurtured Heart Approach ®.
• The founder of the Nurtured Heart Approach ® is Howard Glasser.  
• At www.childrenssuccessfoundation.com a free online eCourse is available to help children with challenging behaviors.
• Our guest Tammi Van Hollander, was feeling “stuck”, she wanted another tool to be consistent and effective for parents and teachers.
• Building on the children’s inner wealth, looking at their greatness and helping them to flourish is key.
• “Children do not awaken by fear of punishment, they awaken to their greatness.” is Tammi’s favorite quote from Howard Glasser.
• Putting energy into the positivity is so much more effective to help children with problematic behaviors.
• This approach has 3 Stands:

Stand 1 - “Absolutely NO  I wll not energize negativity” focuses on the benefits of staying calm, collective and “resetting” if necessary.

Stand 2 -  “Absolutely Yes, I will relentlessly create and energize positivity and success in my child.

Stand 3 - “Absolutely Clear, if you cross the line, there are very clear consequences that go with that (the adult stays calm and loving)

• It’s important not to ignore negative behavior; if negative behavior is ignored things may get worse and worse.
• This approach highlights the benefits for recognizing the child and honoring them for showing self-control by recognizing what they didn’t do such as hit their sibling, leave the room, etc...
• Clarity and predictability is so important for the child, as in the analogy of the video game that Tammi talks about in this episode.
• This approach supports a healthy child parent relationship as well as help regulate their emotions.
• Using the passion and gifts that comes with intensity  that children sometimes exhibit can make a huge difference when helping children with challenging behaviors.
• The Nurtured Heart Approach ® is used in schools and homes all over.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode  6 

Parenting Through the Pain of Divorce with Jared Defife, Ph.D.

In This Episode:

• The guest expert, Dr. Jared DeFife helps people share their life stories to find meaning, connection and understanding.  
• Jared is the host of the amazing podcast, The School of Psych on iTunes and www.schoolofpsych.com
• Parents often wonder how they can help their child when they are hurting themselves.
• Blame mode can leave people feeling exhausted without access to experience the change they desire.
• Sometimes parents choose to seek out their own therapy through a divorce to help themselves, as well as help them to parent through the painful times that divorce can sometimes bring.
• The divorce process can be a time that people can use to explore areas that they can change about themselves.
• The time right before and after divorce can be sometimes the most painful.
• Focusing on personal change is a focus worthy of time.
• When people are feeling emotional pain, they will sometimes do things and act in ways that are not typical of their character. 
• It is important for parents to get the support that they need during a divorce to help them best be able to cope and parent in a healthy way.
• Bashing and blaming the other parent to the child could be confusing and painful for the child.
• Demeaning, trash talking, and bashing the other parent can be destructive.
• Children may be feeling a variety of feelings during a divorce: positive and negative.
• How parents handle the divorce is a huge factor of how the child responds and their capacity to heal. 
• Sometimes children feel like a divorce was their fault.  Letting them know that children can’t make divorces happen and the can’t make it not happen.  It is a choice between the adults.
• Helping kids cope through the divorce is a focus worthy of time for the parent and the child.

• Divorce can put strains and stresses on a family, but it doesn’t have to be high conflict.
• Jared mentioned the 3 Elements (Stages) of the Divorce Process

1. Making the Decision 

2. The Divorce Process

3. Afterwards

• After a divorce, parents still need to remain together as co-parents by working together to figure out a way to solve problems and work together as co-parents of their child(ren).
• There are challenges and opportunities around each stage of the divorce process.
• People can use their divorce experience as a “call to rise to the challenge of working together amicably”.
• Discernment counseling can help people when one member of the couple isn’t agreeing with the other couple in regards to pursue a divorce or not. 
• A place of indecision for too long can be painful and destructive to the relationship.
• Discernment counseling can help people attain clarity and confidence about the decision of divorce in a healthy timeframe.
• The decision of divorce should be surrounded by a deeper focus on values and commitments.
• Sometimes there are deep levels of conflict in relationships that may be unbridgeable such as abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc...
• The dissolution of a marriage doesn’t have to high conflict.  Working together to figure out a solid co-parenting plan can help everyone involved get through the process.
• Sometimes people seek out professional support as co-parents after divorce to help with areas such as scheduling, logistics, etc.
• It’s important to know that it may be necessary to seek out appropriate professionals to help with the divorce process to ensure that specialized support in specific areas such as legal, financial, parenting, etc is available.
• During a divorce, children often look up to their parents to see how to handle conflict in relationships and how to handle responsibility (Should I try to change myself or point a finger to blame others?)
• The reflection and grief process after the divorce is important. Sometimes, people skip that piece which puts them at greater risk for similar issues in the new relationship.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode  5

In This Episode:

• Broken Circle - Children of Divorce and Separation is a collection of photographs and statements from young adults, 18 to 25, who answered my questions: “How are you impacted by your parents’ divorce? How does it affect your perceptions, plans, goals, hopes, and aspirations regarding relationships, commitments, and thinking about your own future marriage and children?”
• The purpose of this project is to give voice to young adults whose parents are divorced and separated.
• This project gave the participants an opportunity to speak from their heart.
• The responses of the participants included in the “The Broken Circle Project” book were unedited.
• The participants talked a lot about their situation during their photography shoot.  They seemed so open and willing to share their story.
• Many of the participants said that they seemed healed by the process of their experience with this project.
• Expression of experiences can be emotionally healing.
• Karen Klein, the author of the Broken Circle Project, said that if she would had this book when she was going through a divorce, she would’ve changed her own behavior.
• The Broken Circle Project is neither pro or con divorce, its merely an insightful snapshot of reflections from the young adults.
• Some of the participants in this project reported that they had a great situation and their parents handled it very well.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 3

In This Episode:

• Penny Williams is a parent of a child with ADHD and the author of several books.
• For her most recent book, Insider’s Guide to ADHD, Penny provides clarity regarding what it is like to be a child with ADHD.
• She surveyed and spoke with adults about what it is like to be a child growing up with ADHD.
• Knowledge is power.  As adults that care about children with ADHD, we need to learn everything we can about it to best understand and help our children.  
• Stepping back from the situation and looking at the child’s perception in a difficult situation is a helpful approach to get an accurate picture of what is happening for them.
• Being present with our children can make such a huge difference.  
• Communicating effectively is one of the things that children with developmental delays struggle with.
• Remaining calm with our children allows us to keep a focus on helping them self-regulate their emotions during emotionally stressful times.
• When parents and teachers are calm, it is easier to help children focus on the task at hand.
• Emotionally detaching when children say things out of anger such as “I hate you”, “You’re the worst mom/dad in the world!” etc. can help deescalate difficult situations.
• Some children with ADHD that need sensory stimulation have their problematic behavior  reinforced when adults respond with an argument.  Remaining in a calm manner is the key to helping calm the situation down.
• The more that we can remain calm with our child, the shorter the emotional outbursts will be.
• It is so important to keep structure in a child’s schedule, especially when parenting a child with ADHD.  Predictable schedules can give the child a sense of security. Posting a calendar for the family schedule and upcoming events/activities can be really helpful.
• Doing what works best for your family is important.  A one size fits all approach to parenting a child with ADHD isn’t practical.
• Verbiage is important.  Refraining from expressions such as “my ADHD child” can help you and your child focus more on the child and not their diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder.  “See your child first, not their ADHD.”  ADHD is just one facet of them.
• Focusing on the strengths of our children and not their weaknesses can really help the parent and child feel a higher sense of positivity.  Sometimes children can feel inundated their weaknesses.  A focus on their strengths can send them down a healthier path.
• A main goal is to help our children with independence.  Letting them do and/or learn how to do for themselves is so helpful for them long-term.
• Self-esteem is often an issue with children with ADHD.  Often people with ADHD feels like they can’t do anything right, so focusing on the strengths can really help them to see the positive and build a higher sense of self-efficacy.

Resources

(Some of These Resources Are Affiliate Links)

https://www.pinterest.com/pennywauthor/

https://www.facebook.com/PennyWilliamsAuthor

https://twitter.com/BeingPenny

http://parentingadhdandautism.com/

“Create Routines” Morning Checklist – http://www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/adhdhelp  or TEXT adhdhelp to 44222  

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 3

In This Episode:

• Carol McCloud’s book, “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?”  has a message of “ Have you done something nice for someone today?”. Children tend to understand this concept well when explained in this context.  
• Metaphorically speaking, everyone is born with an invisible bucket.
• Children not only need love, but they need to be TAUGHT how to love others.  As parents, we can teach them how to love others through showing them through our actions, as well as explaining to them the concept of “filling” and “dipping” into our metaphorical buckets.
• One of the main tenets of this bucket filling concept is that when we help others, we fill others’ buckets (help them to feel good), when we are unkind, we dip into others’ buckets (contribute to their unpleasant feelings).  In turn, when we help others to feel good, we help ourselves to feel good.
• When we help children to reflect on their actions through statements such as “Did you fill a bucket today?”, they often learn how to be kind, which helps them to be happier long term.
• Carol made some changes recently in her original “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?” book to include the concept of “put a lid on your bucket” when others are disrespectful or hurtful to you in some way.  
• When people are in pain, it is hard to be bucket filler.   This bucket filling concept teaches children that sometimes it is hard to fill buckets (be nice to others) when we have an empty bucket ourselves.  It gives them an understanding of how to navigate through the times when others’ just aren’t nice to them.  It also teaches children how to resolve their emotional pain and move toward feeling better through kindness.  This is an empowering message.
• This bucket filling concept originated with Donald Clifton.  He coined “bucket filling” and “bucket dipping” verbiage.
• In essence, this concept is based in the notion that people feel better about themselves when they are kind to others.  Our words and actions affect others.
• It is important to teach our children that everyone will not always be nice to them or treat them with respect.  A short one-liner, such as “use your lid” can let your child know how to respond in a healthy way when people are unkind.  The use of a metaphorical lid is a way of not letting other people dip in to your bucket and take out your good feelings.  It helps children to understand that the way that people treat others is a reflection of how they (the other person) is feeling inside. (Do they have an “empty bucket”?) This is an important concept because if we don’t teach them otherwise, they may start to believe that something is wrong with them when people are unkind to them.  
• Giving our children opportunities to treat others with kindness is so important.  Many people volunteer, donate clothing and food, and do other things to help support this concept and ultimately nurture genuinely kind children.
• Carol mentions that whatever you focus on, you get more of.  In essense, when you teach people “what to do”, you get a better result than when you focus on “what not to do”.  So, teaching children to be kind is so much more effective than focusing on “don’t be mean”.
• When kids realize that people that don’t treat them kindly have an “empty bucket”, it still stings, but it also can ignites feelings of compassion and empathy.  These traits are important in regard to nurturing kind kids.   These character traits set them up for relationship success now and in the future.  For some, it may take some time to develop that understanding though.
• The moments that we don’t think matter, really do matter.  Our children are aware of how we treat others and use that for their “How To Act in Life” guide.  Even relatively small acts such as smiling at someone, saying thank you to the cashier, having a positive facial expression when you first see your child in the morning and such, can make a huge impact on how children treat others, and ultimately themselves.   
• Statements such as, “Who’s bucket can you fill today?” or  “I wonder what I can do to fill her bucket?”,  supports the intentionality of being kind.  
• As parents, statements such as “Let me tell you some of the reasons I love you so much” , “I love the way you light up when you are talking about your play at school”, and such is a great way to fill our children’s buckets, as well as our own.