In This Episode:
Today we’re talking about emotional abuse. Through my work, I help clients heal from this and move past the wounds that it can leave. It can be a trauma. Unfortunately, emotional abuse can take a huge toll on one’s self-confidence and self-esteem levels. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship can have people questioning their life choices and own self-worth.
Today’s show is focused on helping parents recognize the signs of this problematic area of emotional abuse and choose better, healthier ways of interacting with each other (whether together or separated) and their children.
Now, let’s talk about what emotional abuse actually is... Emotional abuse is different from physical abuse which is really marked by explosive outbursts and physical harm. Emotional abuse can be more deceptive and subtle. While it doesn’t leave physical marks, it can sure leave emotional scars that go deep. In some cases, many people aren’t even aware that it is happening. You can’t see it like a bruise or a cut, but you can feel it. And, others around can feel it too. It can really rock people’s world. For parents, it can lead to divorce, separation, physical violence and much more. For kids... it seems like they have the most difficult situation of all. They can’t just divorce or leave. They are stuck. They may choose to cut off the relationship at first opportunity though. But, often families in these situations, just notice that their quality of life is poor at best and they often feel the painful stings of the cut downs, humiliations, control, and such.
It really involves a regular pattern of verbal attack, threatening, humiliation (social or within the family, or both), control, bullying, threats, inducing fear, and perpetual criticism. Also, more subtle tactics like intimidation, control attempts, humiliation, shaming and manipulation. They may accuse their target of being “overly sensitive” to avert the reality of their abusive remarks. In these cases, respect, empathy and compassion are either low or non-existent. Many times the abuser will share personal information in a chastening way in an attempt to degrade and demean their target. Often there’s teasing, put downs and a disregard for their targets accomplishments, hopes and dreams.
The purpose of emotional abuse is to control and overpower the other person. The abuser may not even realize that they are doing it. It most often is the result of their own painful experience from childhood wounds and insecurities that come with that. Emotionally healthy people treat others with respect, kindness, and compassion. Often, in emotionally abusive situations, the abuser may have been abused themselves leaving them with a feeling of “this is normal” or “this is acceptable”. They may even feel like a victim themselves, giving them the illusion of justification for their actions. In fact, they may deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted and accuse their target of being the cause of their behavior.
For parents, they often look back on how they were raised and use that as a blueprint on how to raise their own children -“this is how I was raised and I turned out fine.” When in reality they didn’t turn out fine or they wouldn’t be acting the way they do. They may feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless themselves, so their instinct is to gain control over someone else that they can feel dominant over. Therapy can help.
It’s important to know that emotional abuse can occur in any relationship — between parent and child, in friendships, families, and marital relationships.
This can happen slowly in relationships. The long term effects can be huge. In kids, it can affect their life choices and put them more at risk for mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, and in some cases even post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. It really taxes on the feelings of self worth, especially if they were verbally abused as a child. Also, if a child witnesses emotional abuse of a parent, their perception of what a healthy relationship is and what it isn’t can be skewed from reality.
Today, Laura Reagan is on the podcast to share a bit of her professional experience with helping people heal from emotional abuse. Laura is a colluegue in the podcast world. I love podcasts! She’s the host of therapy chat podcast and she is also a licensed clinical social worker in Baltimore with a private psychotherapy practice. I love learning from her. She specializes in trauma. In this episode, you’ll here her talk about her work. She has a free e-book, Parenting after Trauma, for you as well. www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingaftertrauma
Subscribe to “Parenting in the Rain” podcast on iTunes, if you haven’t already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/
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In This Episode:
Tantrums
A tantrum and a meltdown are different. It’s important to differentiate between the two as it helps guide a helpful response by the parent. Knowing that tantrums are a result of the child trying to get something and meltdowns are a reaction to sensory overstimulation.
A tantrum is based in an attempt for the person (usually a child, but not always!) to get something they want.
It is behavioral based and some suggest that impulsivity can play a key role in their occurrence.
A child may have a tantrum if he wants a toy at the story, but is told no. The tantrum is in an effort (may be conscious or unconscious) to get the toy.
It doesn’t need to be based in a desire to attain tangible things though. A child can also feel intense emotions that lead to a tantrum over issues such as attention, activities, and such.
It usually involves yelling, crying, kicking and screaming, which may look a lot like a meltdown to the untrained eye.
The child usually can control a tantrum, but may have limitations due to emotional flooding.
Tantrums are apt to stop when gets what he / she either gets what he / she wants or if he /she realizes that the tantrum is ineffective unlikely to produce the desired effect.
Characteristics of a Meltdown
A meltdown is a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, usually due to sensory overload (too much sensory information at once to process).
It looks a lot like a tantrum, with the exception of some body signals such as holding ears, not stopping for communication, etc.
The commotion of a supermarket may trigger a sensory meltdown.
The brain goes into overload and fight, flight or freeze response seems to set in.
For some, it can be a response to having a lot of things going on internally at one time, such as stress, worry, etc.
It’s important to mention that a tantrum lead to a meltdown due to the intensity.
Be sure to check out episode 23 on Sensory Processing Disorder to learn more. http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/23-practical-understanding-of-sensory-processing-disorder/
A child will often stop a tantrum if she attains what she wants such as a candy bar, toy, activity, attention, etc. Or if she’s rewarded for using a more desirable behavior such as using her words to ask, being kind or whatever fits the situation. It’s important to resist the urge to give the child what she wants as reinforcement, as it will cause more and more tantrums in the future. It’s a great teachable opportunity to teach your child that outbursts aren’t the way to get things she wants in life. These lessons will serve her well through the years.
Now a meltdown is different. A meltdown isn’t likely to stop when a child gets what she wants. In fact, it may just be a matter of changing the sensory input that the child is receiving. This happens a lot with kids with Sensory processing disorder. Once the child leaves the overstimulating environment, she may start to feel calmer.
So how can you handle tantrums and meltdowns differently?
For tantrums, it’s important to recognize acknowledge what your child wants without giving in as reinforcement. Make it clear that you understand what she’s after. “I realize that you’d like a candy bar. Now isn’t a time that we eat candy though. You can have an apple or another snack when we get in the car though.” Then help her see there’s a more appropriate behavior that will work. “When you choose to speak calmly and respectfully, you may share with me what you choose.”
To de-escalate a meltdown, help your child find a safe, quiet place to calm. “We’re going to go out to the car now. It’s quiet there and I can turn on the air conditioning so that we are both cool and comfortable.” Resist the urge to lecture or talk too much though, as that can be over stimulating in and of itself though.
It’s super helpful to identify and name the emotion that your child is feeling. It builds their emotional literacy and also helps them to have language to express something that is happening in the body, as well as helping their brain to self-regulate the intensity of the emotion.
It’s important to know the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, as your response is a key factor in getting through it and attaining calm again.
Happy parenting!! ☺
Subscribe to “Parenting in the Rain” podcast on iTunes, if you haven’t already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/
In This Episode:
I’m reflecting on all the times I have made a mistake as a parent. Whew! This realization cans me quite humbling.
Now, to be completely honest, I could not possibly remember each time that I have made a parenting mistake. Or any mistake for that matter. As I have probably made about a gazillion mistakes in my lifetime, and certainly many of them during last 13-ish years as a parent. But, I’m totally okay with that since I have learned from them.
Lessons learned by experience are LONG LASTING and VALUABLE.
One biggie that I’ve learned is, it is okay to not be the “PERFECT” parent. Really, is there such a thing anyway?
Mention of this reminds me of Brene Brown’s (I LOVE her work!) beautiful book, “The Gift of Imperfection”. Her message is a life changer for so many, myself included. All of her books and talks are incredible.
Being the “best” parent that YOU can be is what truly matters.
At the time of this writing, I have not yet met a “perfect” parent. I don’t expect that I ever will either. It’s just not a realistic expectation. What is a realistic expectation however, is that we do what works best for us, while honoring the uniqueness and individuality in our own selves and our own family.
Being the absolute “best” parent that you can be is SO MUCH more rewarding, attainable and worthwhile.
I have met many AMAZING parents over the years though.
With these parents, I’ve noticed that they all incorporate…
… into their own parenting styles in their own, unique ways.
Also, these parents all seem to give themselves, and the ones that they love, permission to make mistakes.
Brilliant, right?
It’s important to mention that the topic of parenting sometimes lends itself to strong opinions.
Getting past the point of letting other people’s opinions drive our decisions can feel so EMPOWERING. It allows us to relax and actually be able to enjoy our kiddos and the experiences that life has to offer. This effort is totally worth it. Freeing our hearts and opening our minds enables us to access a beautiful space that holds the SELF-LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, and HAPPINESS that we crave.
As a therapist specializing in Child Parent Relationship Therapy, I teach parents to “Focus on the Donut, Not the Hole”.
I interpret this to mean, focus your energy on the good stuff, not on what’s going wrong. Sure, we need to address things that go wrong, but it’s not helpful to fall into the perpetual pit of doom that focusing on weaknesses can bring. Things get so much tougher when we dwell on the negative. I have seen such healing, growth and improvements in people’s life with this one realization. This is not my idea however, as it is part of the therapeutic protocol outlined in CPRT Package: Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents, by Bratton S., Landreth, G, Kellam, T., and Blackard, S.
Their “FOCUS ON THE DONUT, NOT THE HOLE” concept is only part of this incredibly effective type of relationship based therapy. The other tenents of their book and manual are brilliant as well!
If you are searching for:
…this type of therapy is recommended. Good stuff!
In regard to tough situations that life can offer, I invite you to “Focus on the Donut” on a personal level as well.
Noticing what you are doing “right” can make tough situations much easier by fostering feelings of adequacy, self–worth, and capability.
Give yourself permission to be human and make mistakes, with the INTENTION of learning from them and ultimately doing better the next time is good stuff.
The word “intention” means to do something on purpose. Parenting “on purpose” can leave us feeling empowered and in control.
Maya Angelou’s brilliant words “when we know better, we do better” apply here, for sure. So, education is key to making informed decisions on purpose.
I love, Love, LOVE learning from experts in the field on topics such as neuroscience, child development, behavioral strategies and interventions, etc.… Through this I attain much greater amounts of insight and accurate information.
I remember when my first child was born, I was quickly realized that other, often well-meaning parents can express strong opinions based on the big issues. Whoa… This caught me off guard a bit. It took me a while to realize that I had a choice in those types of situations. When I finally realized that, I felt like I could breathe again and enjoy being a parent.
The fact of the matter is, we can choose to perceive these types of comments as judgmental, mini aggressions. (This choice can be emotionally draining for sure!)
Or, we can CHOOSE to take away the information that I can use and leave the rest.
It is our CHOICE. It is nice to have a choice, right?
I think we have all experienced it at one time or another–The dreaded “No, you should _____________ instead. You’re doing it wrong.”
Ouch!
Sometimes, words from others can sometimes sound judgmental and sting, leaving us feeling paralyzed, inadequate, and unable to function at our personal best.
Issues such as:
… can keep parents up at night, wondering “Am I doing the right thing?”.
It can feel OVERWHELMING!
For the most part, people mean well… giving their words of advice that they believe to be helpful can be an act of kindness for sure. Many times their advice is just what we need. But, sometimes it isn’t.
Sometimes, advice from others can leave us feeling torn and confused. Especially, when it isn’t aligned with OUR VALUES, STYLE, and DESIRES for our families.
The key to gaining helpful parent knowledge in these situations is to take what information applies and leave the rest.
I’m a huge fan of gathering as much information as possible. Making informed decisions is a biggie for me. I continuously gather information from books, blogs, podcast, conferences, and more… As these sources can be just what I need.
I take what I need and leave the rest.
To be clear, I certainly have my ideas on what works and what doesn’t for MY family. Who doesn’t, right? I am super aware though that they are just that… MY ideas.
In my work as a Registered Play Therapist, Educator, and a Parent Coach, I have learned the immense value of truly listening to parents for the purpose of accurately identifying what is working and what is not, as well as accurately identifying what is at the root of the concerns. This approach enables me to provide information that they can wrap around THEIR VALUES, and build on from then on.
Good stuff!
Information is SO valuable. In my personal and professional life, I steer clear of the “You shoulds…” every chance that I get.
Recently, I heard the saying “Don’t Should’ve on Yourself!”. It made me chuckle and raise my eyebrow, as it is such a valuable reminder of how “should’s” can certainly be the thief of our parenting joy.
It is important to know, that a “one size fits all” parenting style simply does not exist.
It’s like trying to FIT INTO SOMEONE ELSE’S SKINNY JEANS! Sometimes they just don’t fit… With enough effort, we may be able to get them on and button them up, but sometimes they just don’t fit. And, they can leave us feeling uncomfortable, leaving us unable to relax and enjoy life…enough said!
What works for me, may not work for you… and, what works for you may not work for your best friend’s cousin…
“Intentionality” is the vital. Plain and simple.
Being clear on YOUR:
…is absolutely essential.
A lack of clarity in these areas can leave you feeling exhausted…like you are running around in circles, expending your precious energy on what OTHERS think you should do, and sometimes swimming in a tumultuous river of PARENT GUILT.
Subscribe to “Parenting in the Rain” podcast on iTunes, if you haven’t already. Also, join us in our FB Community at https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/
We are on this journey together.
In the meantime, breathe easy, give yourself permission to be human – to be imperfect, and love with your whole heart. And remember, squeezing into someone else’s skinny jeans isn’t always the best idea. =)
Happy Parenting!
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In This Episode:
We’ll hear Stephanie Sanders explain the realm of Speech and Language services for children in the school setting. She mentions that the group setting is most common with her work.
She also tells us that it differs from the home setting, where she would work with the child one on one.
She created a curriculum that she developed over the course of 4 years while working with students with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
She was initially inspired by her younger brother and her students.
She tells us about some of the common struggles that kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders experience and how she addresses it with the students that she works with.
She emphasizes the importance of communication with parents while working with children.
She discusses the struggles that some of the kids that have with non-literal language, picking up social cues and such.
She usually works with kids in groups of 5 or less. The group setting allows for social issues to come up.
Stephanie wrote a book to present a curriculum to help children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The FILTER Approach: Social Communication Skills for Students with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
The acronym “FILTER” breaks down as the following: F - Facial clues, I – Inappropriate, L – Listen, T – Target, E - End and Start Conversations, and R - Repair
She has witnessed students putting the concepts into action, both in the therapy room and in real time.
She has a PRE & POST mini assessment (a 10 question questionnaire) to assess their level of retention.
In her work, she has seen children retain the information and put it into action.
The FILTER Approach is a user friendly curriculum that professionals and kids can really connect with and benefit from.
When the children get positive feedback it can support self-esteem growth and foster positive feelings of self-worth.
She emphasize the importance of identifying the needs and implementing the curriculum at an early age in a developmentally appropriate manner.
The FILTER Approach incorporates some social scenes to give the kids insight from an experience level.
Stephanie creates an emotionally safe and trusting environment for the children to open up about their social awkwardness and struggles.
Stephanie is very clear and transparent with the children to let them know that she communicates with parents.
Collaboration with parents, teachers, therapists, school counselors and other people helping the child is ideal.
She talks about the metaphor of the filter and how she describes how it applies to this concept.
She also teaches kids how their brain works to give them a deeper understanding of how the concept applies in terms of brain function.
She tells students how using a filter can help them with relationships, with a job, and many other areas of their lives.
Stephanie stresses the importance to listening to the kids without jumping right in to teach them or fix the problem. This can be really helpful for kids, especially kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders.
The information presented in this curriculum helps children not only at this time in their lives, but it helps lifelong.
Stephanie provides some AMAZING tips for parents and for professionals helping kids out.
It’s so important to consider the perspective of the child. You can read more about this in her blog post for ASHA (A link to her blog post is not available at this time. Expected date of availability is anticipated for the early August timeframe.)
Stephanie gets silly sometimes with parents and kids in her work. She has an awesome Donald Duck and Scooby Doo voice.
Stephanie really prayed throughout the 4 years of creating the curriculum for my students to connect with the concepts that she presented and just before submitting The FILTER Approach to Plural Publishing that it might benefit any students/clients exposed to the curriculum.
She continues to pray for the previously mentioned individuals and for any therapists, counselors, teachers, or parents choosing to implement this curriculum with their students/clients.
You can read the full show notes at www.parentingintherain.com
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 27, How to Heal and Move on After Divorce
Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here’s a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce
In This Episode:
It’s important to identify the emotional pain by naming the feelings.
Dr. Siegel says “When we can name it, we can tame it!”. This is so true.
Common feelings are feelings of betrayal, fear, guilt, hope, anger, regret, etc... Recognizing and accepting the feelings that surface, release their grip on you.
Also, it is important to recognize your belief systems that have been put into place through it all. Some painful ones that I hear in my practice is “I am unlovable.” “I should’ve done something earlier.” “I am a bad person.” and such. If those are coming up for you, therapy may be the best option to help you heal.
When we experience trauma, our brain functions differently. It can change so many things in our lives. Divorce is no different. If left unprocessed in a healthy way, one my feel anxiety when connecting with new people such as dating. Perhaps feeling clingy, untrusting, or even standoffish and unable to accept the other’s compliments.
For parents, unprocessed trauma could reduce their capacity to be fully present with their kiddos and cause them to feel “numb” to things that they previously enjoyed. It could cause them to be irritable or to have a shorter fuse with their kiddos. And, for many it just feels like they are stuck, destined to feel that way forever. Trauma distorts time.
It’s important to seek support not only to help you grieve the loss of the dreams you had when you got married, but also to help you reprocess the trauma, so that you don’t repeat the same situation with someone new as you delve into a new relationship.
Some people grieve, then find someone new, while others find someone new then feel those feelings. Now, I’ll bet you can imagine which one has the best results. That’s why it’s recommended for people that are newly divorced not to dive right into a new relationship. The excitement of a new relationship can disguise the pain for a while. But, after the newness wears off, then it can surface. It can leave people with new relationship challenges.
Also, jumping in too soon after divorce can complicate the adjustment process for the children too. Some people have a big worry of not being able to financially support themselves without someone else, so getting in a relationship right out of divorce is part of their freedom plan. Unfortunately, relationships that exists as a financial stability piece can dissolve and be more destructive than ever. So it’s super important to heal first, and then move on after you are in a healthier spot, emotionally and financially.
After your divorce, be sure to take time to decompress. Engage in an activity that makes you feel good, other than dating or partying. Something that ignites your feeling of self again: volunteering, exercise, connecting with friends, painting... Only you know what does this. Movement can do amazing things for your emotional state.
Identify and connect with your support system. Friends, family, therapist, etc. the reason why this helps is because we are wired as social beings. This means, we have an innate need to feel heard, cared about, ... in the heart and mind of someone else. <3
After divorce, this can be especially important since relationship ruptured can leave one feeling unheard, unloved, uncared about.
Since our bodies are a system, when a trauma happens such as with some divorces, it can affect our sleep patterns, tolerance levels, digestive system, emotional regulation (some people experience depressive and anxiety symptoms). With therapy, people can organize it all in your brain, heal the hurts and position themselves with a much healthier capacity to adjust and enjoy your new start, which can then help your kiddos ultimately to move on.
Just like the flight attendant says to put on your own oxygen mask before you do your child’s, be sure to oxygenate yourself during this time so that you can be there for your kiddos.
With friends and family, notice the amount of time that you engage in “Divorce” talk. If it’s too much, pull back and seek out a therapist for individual or group support. Let your previous relationship be your teacher.
What “ruts” do you want to get out of? What would you like for the future? What are some deal breakers with future relationships?
Some relationships end as a result, or at least partially because of emotional abuse. This is tough for some to grasp since there aren’t any physical marks, but there are certainly emotional scars. This involves a regular pattern of verbal assault, such as threatening, bullying, constant criticism, or more subtle approaches such as intimidation, shaming, humiliation, control, manipulation, etc...
Emotional abuse is used to control and suppress the other person.
A lot of time it can result out of childhood wounds and insecurities that the abuser experienced and didn’t heal from in their own life. This reminds me of the quote “HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE”. Along the way, healthy coping mechanisms weren’t put into place. This could leave them with a hunger for control and power as a result of their unprocessed anger, hurt, fear and feelings of powerlessness, those more vulnerable feelings. That’s one of the reasons why you should heal yourself through this, so that you can be healthy enough to parent in a healthy way for your kiddos.
Allow yourself to grieve if you are feeling the pain of divorce. Allow yourself to feel the feelings in a supported, safe way. One thing that can be incredibly helpful is to write and / or create some type of artwork.
The power of expression is amazing. I use expressive art therapy in my work in almost every session with my clients, regardless of age.
Journaling can be really helpful. Research tells us that it cannot only help at the moment with regulating the body’s physiological response such as blood pressure, heart rate, and it can help people sleep more sound, but it can also help in the long term with huge physical and emotional benefits. For this, you can just by a journal (it doesn’t need to be fancy or expensive) and just write what comes to mind, thereby releasing it from your mind body and soul.
It is also helpful to write a letter to yourself from someone that you love and that cares about you, such as a family member or a trusted friend. This one was shared with me from a dear friend that went through a divorce herself. It can be so very healing. It’s cathartic and can help people heal enough to move on in a healthy way.
From a neuroscience perspective, the power of telling our story through a narrative can organize it in our brain, in the hippocampus, where it would otherwise be left fragmented and unprocessed. This can lead to chaos, whereas the narrative can heal.
Remember that there is an “after” this time. So, intentionally focus on creating a better future for you and your kiddos. Remember, you and your kiddos can still be a happy family even after all of this. So play with them, show your interest in your children, and connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care about them and that they are important to you. Remember, their belief system is forming during this time too.
Also, allow your child to grieve and process through this divorce in a healthy way. It can be tough for kids if some things aren’t in place.
I have an online course on this, Parenting through Divorce: 7 Key Strategies To Nurture Your Child’s Emotional Healthy Before, During And After Divorce. It’s one of my Parent With Intention courses. If you want check that out, just visit jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentthroughdivorce I have almost 50 brief videos in the course that incorporates much of what I share with the parents that I work with in my private practice and as a parent coach as a Divorce Recovery Specialist
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 26
A Child is Like a Butterfly
Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here’s a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce
In This Episode:
Just like a butterfly needs the struggle of emerging from the chrysalis to get it’s blood to it’s wings then ultimately fly, so does a child.
Giving children the gift of responsibilities sends them the message “I believe in you!”. “I believe you are capable.” “You can difficult things.” “You are an important member of this family.”
Responsibilities and chores really equip our children with the confidence, grit and work ethic to go out into the world and dare to follow, and work for, dreams.
When kids have responsibilities, it nurtures their sense of self-worth which relates to self-esteem.
Some parents don’t require their kids to do chores for a variety of reasons. They may feel guilty about a touch circumstance such as divorce, health condition, or some other hardship. This is often done with good intention, but it actually limits the child even more.
If you want to set your child up for success, give your child a meaningful chore around the house; ones that they do, just because they are an important member of the family.
It’s important to make the chores meaningful, achievable and worthwhile. Also, be sure to notice that the child did the chore or took care of the responsibility. Be careful to not be overly critical of the child’s work, as that could leave him feeling defeated and undervalued. Create an environment that fosters a love for participation and follow-through.
Resist the urge to pay your child with allowance for all of their chores, not all certainly, but have some chores be just a part of their life duties.
This will help them get the blood to their wings and ultimately fly independently.
Resources
(Some of the Links Below are Affiliate Links)
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Parenting in the Rain, Episode 25
Divorce and Sports
Are you a parent worried about your child through your divorce? Here’s a link to my s Free Parent Class http://jackieflynnconsulting.com/parentingthroughdivorce
In This Episode:
Brian Brunkow is a San Diego-based lawyer, Glazier Head Coach Academy speaker, and the author of Zero Offseason – a guidebook on divorce & sports parenting.
With a background in family law and coaching youth football, Brian’s focus is helping coaches and parents collaborate on the “ABC’s of Divorce & Effective Sports Parenting.”
When time and money is so commonly used as a weapon in divorce situations, the “ABC’s” : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables. They help encourage the adults to stay focused on helping kids develop life skills thru positive youth sports lessons.
Brian has a substantial background in coaching.
It’s important to keep the kids on the field and involved in sports to give them the life skills that can come through sports.
Sports can reduce the high school dropout rate with adolescents.
When parents are passive aggressive with time and money, the child is the one that misses out and is ultimately hurt.
Brian tells us about the Baldwin vs. Basinger story, how high conflict divorce can result in the child missing out on valuable time over custody battles.
He shares some statistics about divorce.
He also shares insight of how divorce can impact kids. T
here are some program success studies that illustrate the importance of working together as parents for the children’s sake.
Brian is the author of a book, “Zero Offseason”.
Good behavior will not change the behavior of the other parent. But, it will give you a piece of mind.
He tells us about the “ABC’s” : Aligning Goals, Following the Best Interests Standard & Controlling Controllables
He talks to us about aligning goals. He tells us a story of divorced soccer parents and how their situation affected the child.
Simple rules, but complex...“The kids gotta play, let the coaches coach, and the parents need to support.” Being the support system as a parent is so important.
Sports help kids with socialization skills, as well as conflict management skills that will help keep them out of trouble in life.
Youth sports teach kids discipline, mental toughness and grit.
Communication between parents is very important.
Using stories is a great way help parents work things out, so that the child doesn’t lose years of opportunity for sports growth.
He talks to us about “Bleacher” Parents and references Jennifer Capriati and her experience through the divorce in her family. As a tennis player, she was an incredible athlete and top performer in the world. By the time she was 17 though, she retired from tennis. She didn’t have the support system at home.
Some parents equate their ability as a parent with the child’s performance in the sport.
The parents need to be smart about how they approach the calendar. A throughout calendar can prevent some conflicts from occurring.
“ Best Interests” standard is all about the child, not the parents or the coaches.
Brian recommends having a Co-Parenting Mission Statement to have on the refrigerator at both homes. You can get a copy of it at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/divorceandsports The child may think, “Mom and Dad don’t get along, but they both have my back.”
Impact – Safety is considered a “non-negotiable. Parents must communicate. For example, parents need to work together and communicate if their child gets a concussion. This is HUGELY important.
It’s important for parents to remember that they can’t control bad behavior of the other parent, so it is best to focus energy on what you can control.
Process-based goals keep things focused on the child.
On field & off field, parents need to support their child.
Brian recommends playing “Rock, Paper, Scissors” game with little kids as a way to teach them how to control the controllables. This is where you want your energy to be because this is where you can have an impact. It helps teach kids the importance of teaching them to focus on what’s in front of them.
Brian is working on a program, a legal workshop for employees “aligning goals”, “best interests”, and “controlling the controllables”.
Robert Cox specializes in the treatment of Trauma and Autism Spectrum Disorder and uses mindfulness extensively in his practice. He lectures nationally on autism and works as a consultant for children’s psychiatric hospitals in the development of Autism treatment programs. Recently, he has become the lead consultant for the creation of a special needs school for autism in Cameroon, Africa. He also provides consultation service for parents. His expertise is valued all around the world.
Mindfulness is really paying attention to one specific thing. It is about being quiet long enough to create a space between the limbic region and the forebrain.
Taste can be used in mindfulness activities. This works great with kids that may not be able to understand some of the more complex tasks. It’s important to involve all of the senses. It’s really about teaching them to pay attention to one thing at time.
Mindfulness with kids with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder can help with focus, calm and clarity.
Robert uses mindfulness in his practice with almost all of his clients with trauma, addictions, social isolation/bullying, Autism, ADHD, and much more. It can have a powerful impact!
Mindfulness can really have a great effect with students in the school system.
“Pain is a guaranteed part of life, but suffering doesn’t have to be.” Robert Cox
Mindfulness can help parents regulate themselves so they aren’t bouncing off of their child’s emotional state.
Robert uses Gummies, Oranges, M&Ms and such to teach help kids experience mindfulness. It’s important to find something that is really attractive to the child so it really holds their attention.
It’s important to practice mindfulness with your kids, because they will respond to it when they need it instinctively. It will become a learned behavior and become a functional tool.
We know from research that it “rewires” the brain, thickens the part of the brain that enables better access to greater processing abilities.
Mindfulness can help people with Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD, because it retrains the brain.
Oxytocin is referred to as the “Hug Drug” in reference to social relations. It helps people connect and feel love and strengthens relationships.
It’s important for parents to practice mindfulness themselves. Teach your kids to pay attention with all of their senses. When kids see their parents using mindfulness they are more likely to use it themselves.
The biggest challenge that people usually come up is when people try to stop the thoughts. But, the trick is to just let the thoughts release through the breath without forcing the thoughts to stop.
Robert tells us about a technique called “Becoming the Observer” that can help people avoid the suffering.
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 23
Practical Understanding of Sensory Processing Disorder
In This Episode:
https://www.sensorysmarts.com/
http://www.comfykid.com/Pipsqueaks.htm
Lindsey Describes Sensory Processing Disorder in a Video
Article on Supporting Sensory Processing Issues written by Lindsey Biel
Dalena Dillman Taylor, PhD, LPC, RPT, is an assistant professor at the University of Central Florida, past president of the North Texas Association for Play Therapy (2013–2014), and the play therapy certificate coordinator at UCF. Dr. Dillman Taylor graduated from the University of North Texas with doctorate of philosophy in counseling, with a specialty in play therapy in 2013. Dr. Dillman Taylor is a trained Adlerian play therapist and focuses her research on the effectiveness of Adlerian play therapy with children and adolescents who demonstrate disruptive behaviors or academic difficulties in the classroom and at home.
In This Episode:
“Be a thermostat, not a thermometer! Learn to RESPOND (reflect) rather than REACT. The child’s feelings are not your feelings and needn’t escalate with him/her.”
“What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did! We are certain to make mistakes, but we can recover. It is how we handle our mistakes that make the difference. “
Mindfulness, Brain Hand Model by Dr. Dan Siegel’s Video
CPRT Training in June 2016 with Dr. Taylor
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 21
How to Make Divorce Easier for Kids with Child Therapist, Jackie Flynn
Sign-up for Jackie’s Free Class “How to Create an Emotionally Safe Environment for Your Child through Divorce” at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/class
In This Episode:
FREE DOWNLOAD
www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/divorce
Don’t Expect Your Child to Pick a “Side”
Do not expect your child to choose sides before, during, or after the divorce. Respect your child’s right and need to love, honor and respect the other parent.
Be Present with Your Child
Make the precious time that you get with your child quality time. Resist the urge to ask questions about time with the other parent. Also, take this time to truly connect with your child, as this can be a painful adjustment and strong parent child relationships are more important than ever.
Speak Respectfully About the Other Parent
Avoid "talking trash" about the other parent, whether directly or within earshot while talking to others. This can leave your child feeling angry, confused, and guilty. Instead, speak respectfully about the other parent to your child and make efforts to have a civilized and considerate relationship as much as possible.
Reassuring Your Child that Kids Can’t Cause or “fix” a Divorce
Sometimes children feel like they are the cause of the divorce. Whether they heard their name in a heated argument or just feel responsible for family issues. Letting your child know that a divorce is not something that children can cause, prevent or fix.
Show Empathy and Compassion for Your Child’s Feelings
Allow your child to express their emotions in a safe accepting way.
Reflections from you such as “you feel sad ...” or “that really hurt you when...” is much more helpful in terms of a healthy adjustment, as well as development of emotional regulation skills.
Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 20
Melissa’s Mantras: for Nurturing Responsibility, Independence, and Confidence in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
Melissa Braun, Ed.S is a loving parent, an educator, a school staffing specialist and a person passionate about advocating for kids. Melissa shares her 5 mantras below.
Melissa points out the power of the word “yet”. She points out that we need to focus on what they can do and what supports and services they need to be successful.
Melissa emphasizes that we need to advocate for what we want our child to become. This helps them to become a self-advocate as they grow and develop as well.
With so many people on teams for children with special needs, there is likely going to be disagreements and conflicts along the way. Expect conflict and know that conflict is because people care about your child’s success and may have different viewpoints on help. Don’t avoid conflict, but keep talking and keep listening. Melissa asks herself “What did their heart mean?” when she hears things from others in the team that sometimes feels upsetting.
Let your children do what they can do for themselves. Empower them to be as independent as possible. This may require more time and support, but allowing your child the opportunities to make mistakes and gain skills helps support self-efficacy.
Be gentle on yourself. Don’t expect perfection. Recognize your humanness. “Some days are more successful than others.”
In This Episode:
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 18
When a Child has Suicidal Thoughts
In This Episode:
Below are some snippets from a conversation with Jonathan Singer, LCSW, Ph.D. on this episode of Parenting in the Rain podcast.
Jonathan shares that suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the United States.
“Risk factors” are different than “warning signs” when talking about the issue of suicide.
Risk factors are conditions that increase the person’s chance that they may try to take their life by suicide. It is important to know that having risk factors doesn’t equate to suicide ideation or intent.
Warning signs are things that let you know that there are foreseeable plans for suicide in the near future. It’s important that a thorough assessment is done by a mental health professional if warning signs are present.
Expressing “hopeless” about the future and talking about a plan are some warning signs to be aware of.
It’s important for parents to listen to their children, especially when warning signs are present, and to take it seriously. Dismissing a child’s warnings signs are not helpful and could be dangerous.
When someone dismisses a child’s thoughts of emotional pain they may interpret the person as conveying “your pain is not a priority to me”.
When adults can determine if the child wants “to die” or just wants “to be happy”, a supportive response can be more aligned with what is the best help for the child during that time.
Parents should seek support from mental health professionals before suicide ideation is present if possible.
Sometimes the egocentric state that can be present in teenagers due to a natural developmental stage of adolescence can lead them to feel like thoughts of suicide is something that “everyone” has present in their lives and feeling like it is “normal”. It is important to concerns relating to suicide early and often.
It’s important to seek assistance from professionals when you suspect suicidal thoughts; parents should not try to figure out how to help their child on their own as even the professionals consult since it can be a complex and is a serious matter.
Nonsuicidal self-injury (NSSI) is the intentional, self-inflicted harm to one’s body.
If someone is engaging in self-harming behavior, even if believed to be NSSI, a suicide risk assessment should be performed in a professional setting.
There are many reasons why children engage in self harming behaviors, mental health professionals can perform a suicide risk assessment and help with issues surrounding the self-harming behaviors.
“Postvention” happens after a suicide death to support people as it pertains to prevention of future deaths by suicide and to address the grief and trauma of the bereaved.
Jonathan mentioned a great resource for schools, “After a Suicide: A Toolkit for Schools” https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/App_Files/Media/PDF/sprc_online_library.pdf
It’s important to be aware and a part of your child’s social media world to use as your own “megaphone” to communicate helpful information to those in need of it.
Sometimes children have more than one social media account. It’s important to be aware and involved as a parent.
Jonathan mentioned the following quotes: Carl Rogers’ quote, “Congruence e is the key to happiness.”
And, the quote “Suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it gives it to someone else.”
Hannah’s Heroes is a non-profit organization with a passionate mission to draw attention to youth suicide prevention. They work with and through community agencies and partners to develop solutions that provide support for their community and prevent other losses. Visit their website at http://www.hannahs-heroes.org/ and donate to their cause, Youth Suicide Prevention, if possible.
In This Episode:
Pam Dyson tells us all about Play Therapy.
Play therapy is different than a child just playing.
Play therapy may look and feel differently with different therapists. Some therapists allow the child to lead the play in some situations and other situations may be a bit more directive by the therapists.
The relationship between the therapist and the child is key in regards to meeting the treatment goals.
Pam customizes her approach for each child and each family to ensure that she meets their specific needs.
Pam Dyson trains therapist in Play Therapy techniques through their work. She is a strong believer in ongoing training for therapist to stay abreast of new approaches.
Play therapy can help with all kinds of behavioral and emotional challenges that a child may have such as grief and lost from a death, divorce, adoption, anxiety, depression, traumas, life changes, ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Learning Disabilities, and so much more.
Its important parents to work closely with the therapist to maximize the effect for the child.
Play therapy can be used to diagnose and treat children with problematic issues.
The benefits of Play Therapy is seemingly limitless. It nurtures responsibility, understanding, self-esteem, and so much more.
Play therapy is a method of therapy that has been proven to reduce and/or resolve a variety of problems in children and families.
It is designed for children between the ages of 3-9 years old, while my Art Therapy Studio is designed for ages 12+.
Play therapists work closely with parents to develop an effective treatment plan that works towards a happier and healthier life.
Sometimes Play Therapy is offered in the home, school, and other places. It is not limited to the therapist’s office.
The toys in a play therapy room are chose carefully to ensure that children can fully express themselves. Some of the toys are aggressive, nurturing and expressive in nature.
EMDR integrates extremely well with Play Therapy. Problematic issues such as phobias, nightmares, bed-wetting, fear, anger, acting out/aggression, and more…, can be treated successfully with this integrated therapeutic approach. For children and adolescents, sand tray therapy, art therapy, hand tapping, and a “hand held buzzer” (to create the bi-lateral stimulation effect) can be during an EMDR therapy session. This is one of my(Jackie) treatments of choice, as I have seen so many people heal much more quickly than other means.
Be sure to check out the future episode with Dr. Dalena Taylor on Child Parent Relationship Therapy, also known as CPRT and Filial therapy.
Also, a previous guest on Parenting in the Rain podcast, Tammi Van Hollander, will be on the show soon to tell us all about and expressive arts type of therapy, Sand Tray Therapy.
Following is a link to my private play therapy practice www.counselinginbrevard.com click on “Tour”.
How to know when your child needs therapy? If there is changes in the child’s behavior, especially after a change or a trauma in the child’s life therapy may be beneficial for the child. Changes such as a move, a death in the family or a pet, trauma at school or home, and many more issues can cause a shift in the behavior and/or cause a change in their ability to focus.
How do you know when it’s time to finish therapy? When the child’s behaviors improve, the reasons why they came in improve, or the child seems to be enjoying a better quality of life at home, school and life it could be a good time to phase out of therapy.
Sometimes children return back to therapy after it’s complete if the behaviors resurface or another issue arises.
The relationship between the child and the therapist is so important in the healing process.
To find a play therapist in your area you can do a search for a play therapist on the internet, but specifically the Association for Play Therapy, APT, has some great resources and can give you information on Play Therapists in your area.
Be sure to check out future episodes of the podcast. A free training will be coming up next week to help parents through parent through divorce.
You can read the full show notes at www.parentingintherain.com
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 15
Tips for Successful Co-Parenting (even in high conflict situations)
In This Episode: (this information is also available on the free download)
Lorrie Brook provides some tips regarding Communication & Respect for parents struggling with co-parenting in separation and divorce situations in their families.
Communication
It is important that despite living in 2 separate households you both maintain an open line of communication within the family.
If you aren’t sure if it is something worth telling ask yourself this:
Use this question as your guide –“If this happened in the other parent’s household would I want to know?” If the answer is yes – let them know.
When you are communicating with the other types remember these tips: 1. Be polite 2. Be concise 3. Don’t exaggerate, embellish or understate what happened. Tell it as it is.
Respect
While co-parents are no longer in a romantic relationship with each other, they are in a co-parenting relationship and as such respect plays a big role.
Here are some tips:
1. Be polite
2. Use your manners (please and thank you go a long way!)
3. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of the children
4. Don’t allow others to talk badly about the other parent in front of the children
5. If your children mention the other parent to you – don’t roll your eyes or the like.
6. If your children start to be rude or disrespect the other parent, correct them and talk to them about it.
You can read the full show notes at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/episode16
In This Episode:
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 14
Meeting My Sister, Melissa: A Story of Love, Adoption, and Connection
In This Episode:
Resources
(Some of These Resources Are Affiliate Links)
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 13
Nurturing Emotionally Healthy Kids through Play with Debra Wessleman, MS, LIMHP
In This Episode:
Debra Wesselmann, the author of Integrative Parenting: Strategies for Raising Children Affected by Attachment Trauma, gives us 6 tips to help nurture our children’s emotional health through play.
Cutting to Cope: Understanding the Emotional Desperation behind Self-Harm
In This Episode:
In This Episode:
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 10
In This Episode:
Is it difficult to fit homework into your busy schedules? Have you ever been up with your child at 10pm or later struggling to finish homework?
Scheduling a set time each day, preferably right after school, can help tremendously. Routines help people feel secure, safe, and in control. This holds especially true for children with focus issues struggling with homework productivity. A solid routine should look, feel, and sound the same each day.
For example:
Do you ever feel like a “tyrant” parent at homework time? Yelling, threatening, and shaming your child into completing assignments, only to realize that success is costing you and your family happiness and feelings of his self-worth?
Upbeat, positive support during homework time makes the tasks easier to deal with, while utilizing energy for homework itself. Remember, our children will often reflect our mood as their own. So doing our best to keep itmpositive and cheerful can result in the same from them. However, the same is true for negativity. If we are grumpy, our child will likely mirror that as well.
Has your child ever continuously asked “When can I be done?” so many times that it inhibits her ability to focus on the task at hand?
A visual timer can help. Provide your child with some type of a visual timing device (i.e. clock, timer, etc.…). This reduces the distraction of time, which enhances focus. Here’s one that I recommend… Homework Time Tracker * an affiliate link for a product that I love!
Do you struggle to find a spot for your child to do homework?
Clutter can destroy motivation and productivity! Block off 30 minutes to create an organized space that minimizes distractions, allows for comfort, and is clutter free. Simply put, people are more productive in such environments. This will be time well spent.
Do you ever find yourself continuously asking your child to sit down and get back to work? Do tolerance levels decrease while frustrations go through the roof?
Allowing your child to move can help. Sometimes standing at the table can help, sitting on balance ball chair, allowing for wiggling in the seat can help, especially for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. Some people have great success with putting painter’s tape to create boundaries for the child to move in, while remaining at their work station.
*here’s an affiliate link to an excise ball that I use with my kiddos Balance Ball Chair
Have you ever tried to power through homework time, only to realize that it took 3 times the amount of time you estimated?
Frequent breaks can help. The benefit of frequent breaks should not be underestimated. A 1-2 minute stretch break can make children’s ideas flow more freely, allow for a release of pinned up energy, and help the brain to function more efficiently. Movement is SO helpful for brain function, especially for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. Time well spent, for sure!
Have you ever walked in to the room to find your child goofing off, when they were supposed to working on homework or studying?
There is no substitute for being physically close (remember to be respectful of his personal space) to him during this time. The amount of closeness varies depending on his needs, but in general there is no substitute for being there. Closeness demonstrates support, reduces the temptation to go off task, and allows you to help redirect and refocus as needed. It is important to know that some children thrive with 1 on 1, while others my just prefer you in the same room. Remember, to keep the closeness as a positive, not something to use as a punishment or shameful remark.
Does your child seem to take forever to finish a simple task or get easily frustrated when asked to get back to work?
Well, taking away distractions such as cell phones, tablets, televisions, games, people, etc… can be especially helpful. A distraction free workspace increases productive, on-task behaviors.
Have you ever yelled hurtful things to your child during homework time, leaving you feeling guilty, inadequate, and empty at the end of the day?
Well, you are not alone. As human beings, we are subject to our own emotional overloads as well. Knowing this can help you to mentally prepare for this time by saying positive statements to yourself and your child. Statements such as “I will remain calm”, “when I am calm, it helps her to be calm”, “I will do everything I can to set myself and my child up for homework success, but I will not expect perfection”, “Trying your best is all that I expect of you”, and such.
Do you ever find yourself saying “good job” only to wonder if it helps?
Specificity, makes a difference. Generic praise can sound fake and not produce the intended result of letting the child know that you like what they did, with the hopes of similar behavior in the future. Specific phrases such as, “You chose to finish your homework, now you get to go outside to play with your friends for an hour” not only lets her know exactly what to repeat, but it also teaches her that their choices have consequences good and bad, which is a wonderful lesson to learn.
Has your child ever been cranky, sensitive, or unproductive during homework time?
Providing a healthy snack such as a fruit and/or vegetable, energy bar, and such can give him the extra needed boost to get them through the homework tasks. Many children on medication report not being hungry during the day, but by the time they get home they are famished. Also, water is essential. Skip on the sugary drinks. Water hydrates the brain, which helps her perform at her best.
Parenting in the Rain, Episode 9
Helping Picky Eaters Try New, Healthy Foods with Jill Castle
In This Episode:
The guest expert for this show is Susan Blakeslee, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Clinical Supervisor, and Professional Artist. Active listening is paying attention with your MIND, BODY, and SOUL. Understanding what is behind the words is an important focus of active listening. The person being listened to feels validated in this kind of listening, which encourages people to be more open. This can result in the sharing of more information. When someone is feeling a certain emotion, instead of telling them that they shouldn’t be feeling a certain way, simply reflect their feeling by saying things like “you feel sad” or “you’re excited”. Sometimes children think things are their fault which can lead to painful, guilt. Listening actively can alert parents to this and help them to respond in a way that is helpful for the child.
In This Episode:
Stand 1 - “Absolutely NO I wll not energize negativity” focuses on the benefits of staying calm, collective and “resetting” if necessary.
Stand 2 - “Absolutely Yes, I will relentlessly create and energize positivity and success in my child.
Stand 3 - “Absolutely Clear, if you cross the line, there are very clear consequences that go with that (the adult stays calm and loving)