Parenting in the Rain, Episode  6 

Parenting Through the Pain of Divorce with Jared Defife, Ph.D.

In This Episode:

• The guest expert, Dr. Jared DeFife helps people share their life stories to find meaning, connection and understanding.  
• Jared is the host of the amazing podcast, The School of Psych on iTunes and www.schoolofpsych.com
• Parents often wonder how they can help their child when they are hurting themselves.
• Blame mode can leave people feeling exhausted without access to experience the change they desire.
• Sometimes parents choose to seek out their own therapy through a divorce to help themselves, as well as help them to parent through the painful times that divorce can sometimes bring.
• The divorce process can be a time that people can use to explore areas that they can change about themselves.
• The time right before and after divorce can be sometimes the most painful.
• Focusing on personal change is a focus worthy of time.
• When people are feeling emotional pain, they will sometimes do things and act in ways that are not typical of their character. 
• It is important for parents to get the support that they need during a divorce to help them best be able to cope and parent in a healthy way.
• Bashing and blaming the other parent to the child could be confusing and painful for the child.
• Demeaning, trash talking, and bashing the other parent can be destructive.
• Children may be feeling a variety of feelings during a divorce: positive and negative.
• How parents handle the divorce is a huge factor of how the child responds and their capacity to heal. 
• Sometimes children feel like a divorce was their fault.  Letting them know that children can’t make divorces happen and the can’t make it not happen.  It is a choice between the adults.
• Helping kids cope through the divorce is a focus worthy of time for the parent and the child.

• Divorce can put strains and stresses on a family, but it doesn’t have to be high conflict.
• Jared mentioned the 3 Elements (Stages) of the Divorce Process

1. Making the Decision 

2. The Divorce Process

3. Afterwards

• After a divorce, parents still need to remain together as co-parents by working together to figure out a way to solve problems and work together as co-parents of their child(ren).
• There are challenges and opportunities around each stage of the divorce process.
• People can use their divorce experience as a “call to rise to the challenge of working together amicably”.
• Discernment counseling can help people when one member of the couple isn’t agreeing with the other couple in regards to pursue a divorce or not. 
• A place of indecision for too long can be painful and destructive to the relationship.
• Discernment counseling can help people attain clarity and confidence about the decision of divorce in a healthy timeframe.
• The decision of divorce should be surrounded by a deeper focus on values and commitments.
• Sometimes there are deep levels of conflict in relationships that may be unbridgeable such as abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc...
• The dissolution of a marriage doesn’t have to high conflict.  Working together to figure out a solid co-parenting plan can help everyone involved get through the process.
• Sometimes people seek out professional support as co-parents after divorce to help with areas such as scheduling, logistics, etc.
• It’s important to know that it may be necessary to seek out appropriate professionals to help with the divorce process to ensure that specialized support in specific areas such as legal, financial, parenting, etc is available.
• During a divorce, children often look up to their parents to see how to handle conflict in relationships and how to handle responsibility (Should I try to change myself or point a finger to blame others?)
• The reflection and grief process after the divorce is important. Sometimes, people skip that piece which puts them at greater risk for similar issues in the new relationship.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode  5

In This Episode:

• Broken Circle - Children of Divorce and Separation is a collection of photographs and statements from young adults, 18 to 25, who answered my questions: “How are you impacted by your parents’ divorce? How does it affect your perceptions, plans, goals, hopes, and aspirations regarding relationships, commitments, and thinking about your own future marriage and children?”
• The purpose of this project is to give voice to young adults whose parents are divorced and separated.
• This project gave the participants an opportunity to speak from their heart.
• The responses of the participants included in the “The Broken Circle Project” book were unedited.
• The participants talked a lot about their situation during their photography shoot.  They seemed so open and willing to share their story.
• Many of the participants said that they seemed healed by the process of their experience with this project.
• Expression of experiences can be emotionally healing.
• Karen Klein, the author of the Broken Circle Project, said that if she would had this book when she was going through a divorce, she would’ve changed her own behavior.
• The Broken Circle Project is neither pro or con divorce, its merely an insightful snapshot of reflections from the young adults.
• Some of the participants in this project reported that they had a great situation and their parents handled it very well.

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 3

In This Episode:

• Penny Williams is a parent of a child with ADHD and the author of several books.
• For her most recent book, Insider’s Guide to ADHD, Penny provides clarity regarding what it is like to be a child with ADHD.
• She surveyed and spoke with adults about what it is like to be a child growing up with ADHD.
• Knowledge is power.  As adults that care about children with ADHD, we need to learn everything we can about it to best understand and help our children.  
• Stepping back from the situation and looking at the child’s perception in a difficult situation is a helpful approach to get an accurate picture of what is happening for them.
• Being present with our children can make such a huge difference.  
• Communicating effectively is one of the things that children with developmental delays struggle with.
• Remaining calm with our children allows us to keep a focus on helping them self-regulate their emotions during emotionally stressful times.
• When parents and teachers are calm, it is easier to help children focus on the task at hand.
• Emotionally detaching when children say things out of anger such as “I hate you”, “You’re the worst mom/dad in the world!” etc. can help deescalate difficult situations.
• Some children with ADHD that need sensory stimulation have their problematic behavior  reinforced when adults respond with an argument.  Remaining in a calm manner is the key to helping calm the situation down.
• The more that we can remain calm with our child, the shorter the emotional outbursts will be.
• It is so important to keep structure in a child’s schedule, especially when parenting a child with ADHD.  Predictable schedules can give the child a sense of security. Posting a calendar for the family schedule and upcoming events/activities can be really helpful.
• Doing what works best for your family is important.  A one size fits all approach to parenting a child with ADHD isn’t practical.
• Verbiage is important.  Refraining from expressions such as “my ADHD child” can help you and your child focus more on the child and not their diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder.  “See your child first, not their ADHD.”  ADHD is just one facet of them.
• Focusing on the strengths of our children and not their weaknesses can really help the parent and child feel a higher sense of positivity.  Sometimes children can feel inundated their weaknesses.  A focus on their strengths can send them down a healthier path.
• A main goal is to help our children with independence.  Letting them do and/or learn how to do for themselves is so helpful for them long-term.
• Self-esteem is often an issue with children with ADHD.  Often people with ADHD feels like they can’t do anything right, so focusing on the strengths can really help them to see the positive and build a higher sense of self-efficacy.

Resources

(Some of These Resources Are Affiliate Links)

https://www.pinterest.com/pennywauthor/

https://www.facebook.com/PennyWilliamsAuthor

https://twitter.com/BeingPenny

http://parentingadhdandautism.com/

“Create Routines” Morning Checklist – http://www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/adhdhelp  or TEXT adhdhelp to 44222  

Parenting in the Rain, Episode 3

In This Episode:

• Carol McCloud’s book, “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?”  has a message of “ Have you done something nice for someone today?”. Children tend to understand this concept well when explained in this context.  
• Metaphorically speaking, everyone is born with an invisible bucket.
• Children not only need love, but they need to be TAUGHT how to love others.  As parents, we can teach them how to love others through showing them through our actions, as well as explaining to them the concept of “filling” and “dipping” into our metaphorical buckets.
• One of the main tenets of this bucket filling concept is that when we help others, we fill others’ buckets (help them to feel good), when we are unkind, we dip into others’ buckets (contribute to their unpleasant feelings).  In turn, when we help others to feel good, we help ourselves to feel good.
• When we help children to reflect on their actions through statements such as “Did you fill a bucket today?”, they often learn how to be kind, which helps them to be happier long term.
• Carol made some changes recently in her original “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?” book to include the concept of “put a lid on your bucket” when others are disrespectful or hurtful to you in some way.  
• When people are in pain, it is hard to be bucket filler.   This bucket filling concept teaches children that sometimes it is hard to fill buckets (be nice to others) when we have an empty bucket ourselves.  It gives them an understanding of how to navigate through the times when others’ just aren’t nice to them.  It also teaches children how to resolve their emotional pain and move toward feeling better through kindness.  This is an empowering message.
• This bucket filling concept originated with Donald Clifton.  He coined “bucket filling” and “bucket dipping” verbiage.
• In essence, this concept is based in the notion that people feel better about themselves when they are kind to others.  Our words and actions affect others.
• It is important to teach our children that everyone will not always be nice to them or treat them with respect.  A short one-liner, such as “use your lid” can let your child know how to respond in a healthy way when people are unkind.  The use of a metaphorical lid is a way of not letting other people dip in to your bucket and take out your good feelings.  It helps children to understand that the way that people treat others is a reflection of how they (the other person) is feeling inside. (Do they have an “empty bucket”?) This is an important concept because if we don’t teach them otherwise, they may start to believe that something is wrong with them when people are unkind to them.  
• Giving our children opportunities to treat others with kindness is so important.  Many people volunteer, donate clothing and food, and do other things to help support this concept and ultimately nurture genuinely kind children.
• Carol mentions that whatever you focus on, you get more of.  In essense, when you teach people “what to do”, you get a better result than when you focus on “what not to do”.  So, teaching children to be kind is so much more effective than focusing on “don’t be mean”.
• When kids realize that people that don’t treat them kindly have an “empty bucket”, it still stings, but it also can ignites feelings of compassion and empathy.  These traits are important in regard to nurturing kind kids.   These character traits set them up for relationship success now and in the future.  For some, it may take some time to develop that understanding though.
• The moments that we don’t think matter, really do matter.  Our children are aware of how we treat others and use that for their “How To Act in Life” guide.  Even relatively small acts such as smiling at someone, saying thank you to the cashier, having a positive facial expression when you first see your child in the morning and such, can make a huge impact on how children treat others, and ultimately themselves.   
• Statements such as, “Who’s bucket can you fill today?” or  “I wonder what I can do to fill her bucket?”,  supports the intentionality of being kind.  
• As parents, statements such as “Let me tell you some of the reasons I love you so much” , “I love the way you light up when you are talking about your play at school”, and such is a great way to fill our children’s buckets, as well as our own.

Children grieve very differently than adults, and they can often ask some very difficult questions that you may not be sure how to handle.  Today, Brooke Davis joins us to talk about ways to help children grieve in an emotionally healthy way.

 Read Show Notes  

Intentionality and the quality our relationship affects how we parent.  Making efforts to nurture the relationship can prevent the relationship fizzling out.  Once relationships go on autopilot, couples can get into patterns that can threaten the viability of the relationships.  Mind reading mode, auto pilot mode, and the like can be familiar and detrimental to relationships in general.  Shawn Riker joins us to reveal how to future your relationship. 

 Read Show Notes  

I created the Parenting in the Rain podcast and blog to provide parents around the world with valuable knowledge to help with the “biggies” of family life. On this podcast, we will cover Topics such as picky eaters, struggles in school, behavioral issues, grief and loss, and so much more.  We’ll also delve into specific diagnosis such as ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Specific Learning Disabilities, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and much more…  Tough topics such as parenting through separation/divorce, depression, anxiety struggles, relationship struggles, and more.

   Read Show Notes